I Survived Depression and Lived to Tell

The recent passing of Robin Williams came as a shock to many and has led a lot of us to do quite a fair bit of contemplation – both on fragility of life, and how very much mortal we all are. It has led me to think about a lot of things, particularly in the area of depression, suicide and self-harm. I’m going to try to approach this with as much sensitivity as I can.

A close friend of mine lamented on how frightening it was that someone so successful in his career would be subject to depression – how someone, who brought so much joy and laughter to the world, would be unable to find any hope to carry on. Perhaps, the scariest thing about depression is its ability to strike anyone of us and its capability in eating away at our vitality – like cancer.

As a writer of jargon, diabolic cats and toilet bowls, I don’t often do this. I mean, there’re so many people out there with greater stories to tell about topics like depression but at this point of time, this matter is very real to so many people out there, especially sufferers. And I guess, every story helps. After all, there might be someone out there who might find hope in this.

I am a sufferer of depression.

I am also living to tell this tale.

The dictionary describes depression as a severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. My earliest memory of it in my life was when I was in Primary 3. I remember climbing up a chair, prepared to jump off the third floor of my school, to the taunts of my classmates. Only the timely intervention of a classmate and teacher prevented me from taking the plunge.

The next instance that I remember of depression truly taking hold in my life was when I was in secondary 4, a few months before the ‘O’ levels. I would hear voices telling me how worthless I was, how the world was better off without me. At times, I would feel a deep, cold presence wrap around me, choking me, and claws gauging at my skin and eyes – none of it actually physically manifesting, of course. Most times, I would just feel a constant void. To put it more accurately, I felt nothing. I was numb.

Perhaps it would help to pause here and provide some context. My family started out whole but it was slowly torn apart by financial difficulties. My own father began becoming physically abusive and, on multiple occasions, attempted to kill me. To add on to that, my family was constantly hounded by loan sharks and we were regularly sent death threats. Things were constantly smashed outside our house as well.

Here's a meme to lighten the mood... kinda.

In school, things weren’t much better. I had difficulty relating to my classmates and I was branded the problem student. For some reason, I was labelled as the “class gay” and was regularly beaten up in school. primary 3, my father left the family (he was arrested, I think) and my family turned into a single-parent family. The kids in school caught wind of the news and I was now labelled the “bastard gay child”. No one wanted to play or eat with me and I was mostly by myself in school. Needless to say, I wasn’t very happy in school or at home.

Anyway, back to the depression hitting in secondary 4. It was a frightening time, as frightening as it could be when I was unable to feel anything. I recognized the feelings but I didn’t understand what it was. At that point, no one around me knew what depression was and I didn’t know who I could turn to. The combination of being friendless (still) in secondary school, having been molested and almost raped, and being unable to score well had all led me into this hopeless little black hole of nothing. I would often stab my hand or parts of my body just to feel SOMETHING. Physical pain was better than the constant unnerving nothingness.

Things DID end up working out in the end and I went into a course (Games Design and Development) that I wanted and got into a very welcoming church that treated me like family. I recovered emotionally. Two years went by before depression struck again, at a time I least expected. I was enjoying my church life and I was happy with my course.

But I was depressed anyway.

And I wanted to kill myself.

Depression was like a black hole.

No matter what I poured into my life; no matter whatever enjoyable things I did; no matter how much I tried to make the intentional choice to be grateful for what I had, I couldn’t be happy. I couldn’t function. It was as if there was this black hole in my heart sucking away the joy in my life. I knew that I ought to have been grateful for what I had. I mean, living in Singapore with my creature comforts is a whole lot better than living in the warzones. But I was unable to no matter how much I tried.

I constantly felt guilty and felt like a complete ingrate for whatever I had in life. I felt stupid and weak that I couldn’t overcome all of this. And I got all the more depressed for it. It was a vicious cycle.

Depression caused me to feel like a dead person in a living body.

My mind was numb. My limbs were numb. My heart was numb.

All at the same time, all I could do was cry. I would laugh on the outside with groups of people – especially if I was with the younger ones in church. I would cry for hours on end at home for no reason when I was alone. I would then stare at the ceiling for hours doing nothing, thinking nothing. Unable to move.

I burnt all photos of myself laughing or smiling.

Depression robbed me of my relationships.

It never did manage to drive a wedge enough in my relationships to actually cause my friendships to break. It did manage to make me feel alone in a crowd. Wherever I went, all I could see was the chasm between me and everyone else. All I could see was a wall in front of me – a wall that I would try to scale or get around, and just after I got over to the other side, I’d find that I was back where I was.

Here's another meme.

For three hellish years, I continued being in depression. Each day, I struggled to get out of bed. Each day, I struggled to get through brushing my teeth and eating my breakfast. I’d then go round the whole day pretending I was fine. Then I’d stay up all night wondering what was the meaning of everything and if I should just end it all.

Occasionally, my mood would lighten up and I’d think that I was out of the woods. Then it’d sink even deeper. One night, I decided that I had enough. It was either an intervention happen or I end it all that very moment with the penknife lying beside me.

A friend called me on Skype to ask me how I was.

That was a few years back. Thankfully, I’ve since moved on. It was a slow and painful path to recovery with many ups, downs, relapses and thoughts of death, but I made the choice to do so

.

I chose to forgive myself.

There were so many days when I felt like I couldn’t cope with the thought of getting out from under the covers. There were so many days that I felt like I couldn’t cope with the idea of existing. I chose to forgive myself and accept that this went beyond a weakness in character. I chose to accept that I was ill and that I needed treatment, or at the very least, counselling. I checked myself in with a professional psychiatrist.

I opened up.

Depression had worn away much of the trust I had in people and in myself. It was probably one of the most frightening decisions that I had to make at that point of time. I’m glad that I did though. Opening up to a trusted friend enabled me to air out whatever issues I had and allow whatever healing that needed to take place to flow into my life.

I was loved and supported.

This was, perhaps, the most important factor in my recovery. Sadly, not everyone has this opportunity. I am grateful that I was granted it. Opening up to my friend enabled him to be part of my life and support me. Most times, he didn’t have any answer to the questions I had, but he offered a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Gradually, he brought in support from some other people and together, they built me back up.

The road hasn’t been easy and depression is far from the easiest thing to go through. Most sufferers don’t need answers per se. Most know the answers. What is needed is often the support and the understanding that if we were to fall, someone would be there to catch us unconditionally.

If anyone needs someone to talk to, feel free to drop me a comment in the comments section below.

Alternatively, if you want to opt for professional help, listed below are some organizations that can help:

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

Tel: 1800-221-4444 (24 hours daily)

SAGE

Tel: 1800-353-8633

Care Corner Counselling Centre

Tel: 1800-6-668-668

Care Corner Mandarin Counselling Centre

Tel: 1800-353- 5800 (10am to 10pm daily)

Family Service Centre

Tel: 1800-838-0100

Singapore Association for Mental Health Helpline

Tel: 1800-283-7019

TOUCHLINE (TOUCH Youth Service) - Youths between 12 and 19 years old, who are struggling, frustrated or depressed and badly in need of a listening ear

Tel: 1800-377-2252 (10am - 10pm Daily)

Tinkle Friend (Singapore Children's Society - Bukit Merah Centre) - Primary school students, especially children who are alone at home, who need someone to chat or discuss problems with.

Tel: 1800-274-4788 (9:00am - 11:00am, 2:30pm - 4:30pm Mon-Fri)

Youthline (Youth Challenge) - Young people with interpersonal, family, stress/depression/anxiety and sex-related problems.

Tel: 6336-3434 (8:30am - 6:00pm Mon-Fri)

eGen (www.egen.org.sg)

eGen tries to be more than just another blogging community by providing forums and photo albums for bloggers to share pictures, as well as 'cyber counsellors' whom teens can talk to online.

metoyou (www.metoyou.org.sg)

A counselling chatroom where youngsters can log on to speak to an online counsellor from Monday to Friday, 2.30pm to 5.30pm

7 Kinds of Employees

1. Worker Bee

This type employee is the grunt of the company. They will do the same thing, 10 thousand times a day, as many days of the week as you allow, for as many years as you allow them to work. They will make honey out of pollen and suckle your tits if you convince them to do so

2. Head Worker Bee

This type of employee, is similar to the one described above, except that they have “seniority” simply by the number of years that they have been in the company, and the times that they have suckled tits. They are the ones that organize the worker bees and recommend new sucklers for you to try or mobilize everyone for mass suckling events.

3. Management Wannabe

This type of employee is typically new to the company, wants to change everything and climb every single possible corporate ladder there is in the company. They will pull quadruple suckling duty to get the attention of the suckled, and perhaps nibble a little so as to get their attention.

4. Mr "Professional"

This type of employee is the one who tells everyone how they should suckle. The angle, pressure and duration are honed to an exact science. This employee will ONLY suckle to specifications, any divergence is met with skepticism and harshness, and will usually end up with a nasty bite to the suckled if a change of specification is requested.

5. The By-Left-Winger

This employee will do EVERYTHING to be considered to have gotten by an acceptable suckling session. Usually sloppy and lazy, but this is the type of employee to approach if you ever need an unscheduled and unconventional suckling to be done.

6. The By-Right-Winger

This type of employee will only suckle and nothing else. No special coddling or embrace. Suckling and ONLY suckling, unless the book itself specifies otherwise. No special treatment or extra mile from this employee.

7. Please Fire Bee

This employee is sick of suckling and will bite at any chance, leaving as deep a mark as possible. This employee will also BROADCAST that suckling is wrong and that everyone should just quit.

Done in collaboration with Colin Chen

Sometimes, life's kind of like this glass of orange juice...

...remarkably derpy.

Potato Cat

I proudly present to you, Potato Cat. Share this image. SHARE THE JOY OF POTATO CAT!!!

Day 069: I am now convinced that the cat lurking around the void deck is plotting to kill me.

Obese Cat

Innocence

Of Deranged Merlions and Lol

Hello, my pretties! I’m back with yet another instalment of Entrepreneurs in Singapore! So! One blazing Sunday, I was out with my friends on a food hunt (not knowing where we were going, to be honest) and we came by this nice little pristine looking shop along Serangoon Road, after Moonstone Lane.

Within it, were many neatly arranged long-tables and chairs, and leg room. Sitting down and picking up our menus, we ordered some bak kut teh. Well, okay. It’s a bak kut teh store so most of the menu is bak kut teh. But sematics.

Anyways, the food came quickly and we tucked in. For me, I ordered pork ribs soup with a side of rice and braised peanuts. The soup was a nice blend of sweet and salty, with a nice herbal tang to it. The rice was very fragrant as well.

Wanting to find out more about this establishment, I sought to speak to the chef about her food but she seemed pretty busy cooking. So I spoke to the cute little munchkin serving us.

Hi everyone! I’m with one of the people of Precious Bak Kut Teh. Take it away!

Oh… hey! Precious Bak Kut Teh is a family business. This store just started in Singapore. (pause) This business was actually started by my mom’s side. This shop is still new so, for now, we are made up of just family members – my cousins, my aunt and me. I am considered the youngest generation.

That’s quite a legacy! Just a quick question: This place is kinda out-of-the-way. Why here of all places?

We wanted to find a shop rather than a stall so that it looks more professional. A shop area also provides more space so that customers don’t get cramped together. We sourced out a few potential spots but they didn’t have the right “feel” to it. Then, we came upon this place.

It might be a bit out of the way but it’s the best we can find because we don’t want to compete with others too much or cannibalize other bak kut teh businesses. I mean, everyone’s just trying to make a living here. So… yeah.

This place is really new but that lady over there looks like she really knows what she’s doing. Is there any hidden history to this business?

(looks around) Oh! That’s my mom!

We just started this store in 2 July so we’re still fairly new. For now, we’re still in the period of inviting friends and getting word out regarding our location. There’re quite a few other shops along this stretch so we try to bring those passers-by in as well.

Answering your question, we have quite a long history. Our bak kut teh is “Klang” style so our roots are in Klang. We have shops that then ventured out other parts of Malaysia, like Kuala Lumpur and Ipoh. The oldest store is currently around 25 years old – in Ipoh, Perak. That stall belongs to my aunt.

Her son came down to Singapore and decided to expand here and bring our unique flavour here.

Hm! Not newbies at all, then! In that case, any specialty dishes?

Our most important signature dish would be our bak kut teh soups. We currently serve only herb-based soups – none of the pepper-based one. Our soups contain 11 different kinds of herbs. Our recipe is also a family secret so you can’t find it anywhere else outside of our shops.

For our soups, we have various kinds of meat to choose from. Currently, we don’t serve mixed soups so you’ll have to buy different bowls if you want to try all the flavours.

For special dishes, we offer both sour and spicy pig trotters (which can’t be found outside) and vinegar pig trotters. Both are our specialties from Malaysia. There’s a new trend of dry bak kut teh so we offer that as well. We use ee-mian for our bak kut teh noodles instead of the common yellow noodles or hor fun, as it is more fragrant.

We serve home-brewed Chinese tea like Pu-erh, chrysanthemum tea, jasmine tea and even the popular Gok Poh by the pot for the full authentic experience.

That’s a very tasty-looking menu! On to the formal stuff. What were the main challenges in starting this up?

I wouldn’t say a challenge but more like a new thing that we learnt. Starting a business in Singapore is very different from starting one in Malaysia. It is true that the measures and screening process here are a lot stricter. We needed to hunt the area for a shop space (quite difficult in Singapore) and then had to go through an entire approval process before we were cleared to start our business. That actually caused a delay in our opening date, which was supposed to be in early June, but no real harm done.

Hm… what are your hopes and plans for this business?

Firstly, we want to get the business on track. After that, we hope to bring in more people so that we can share the authentic taste of bak kut teh with everyone. We’ll probably look into expanding into more locations in Singapore after that so that good food is not just limited to Malaysia.

What do you think is the strongest selling point of the business?

Our herbal soup and the flavour of our dishes that you can’t really find outside! For those who are more health-conscious, we also do not use MSG in our soup bases. Everything within the soup is cooked from scratch.

We also renovated our shop to have a more homely feel. Our customers comfort is important to us so we’ve also installed air-conditioning, to use on hot days, and a well-stocked toilet.

Speaking of toilets and home, I went scouting your toilet just now. It’s remarkably clean. Any reasons behind this?

First and foremost, it’s hygiene. We wanted to achieve a homely feel. I mean, who likes a dirty and smelly toilet, or feels comfortable in it? So… we make it a point to keep it as hygienic, clean and fresh-smelling as possible.

It’ll probably become a challenge as more people come in but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Any last words?

Come and eat! :D

Well, you’ve heard the girl! Check out this handy little map I snagged from their Facebook page if you want directions to the place to satisfy your bak kut teh cravings!

Drink All The Beer in the World!

Confessions of a Pansexual Christian

 “But, you know, I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. What interests me is being a man.” 
― Albert Camus, The Plague

I never thought the day would come when I would do this. To be honest, there’s a part of me that’s screaming to stop typing this letter. There’s a part of me that’s telling me that this is a bad idea. I do believe, however, that I owe it to both communities to come out in the open.

Both sides have had much misunderstanding. Both sides have had much conflict. And I believe many on both sides of the camp are tired of all the fighting. I know I am.

I am a Christian.

I identify as Pansexual (and for the sake of this letter, I will not mention my attraction to women).

The journey to discovering my sexuality, as a Christian, was not an easy one.

I first found myself being attracted to other men at around Primary 6. Not really understanding what those feelings were, I brushed them aside and assumed that it was simply a matter of feeling a sense of friendship with some of my male classmates. It was around Secondary 2 (two years into church) that I realized that I was noticing things about other guys – particularly one.

Having grown up in a single-parent family, my mom spent most of her time working to keep the family going and I didn’t have anyone to really talk to about my feelings. The realization that I was romantically interested in another guy was a bit of a revelation for me and no small amount of unnerving and confusing.

After all, weren’t men and boys supposed to fall in love and be attracted to the opposite sex?

Seeking to understand what was going on, I went to speak to my pastors about this. Needless to say, it didn’t end well. I was sent for counselling and I was urged to repent of my sinful ways.

Whenever I broached the topic to any of the leadership, it would be avoided. When I hinted at the idea of speaking about homosexuality (or any form of non-heterosexuality) with my peers, the topic was met with revulsion. I never dared to speak to anyone else about it. For a period of time, I went for “counselling”. Little was spoken or explained about what I felt and most of the time was spent on telling me that what I was feeling was unnatural and sinful, and that I ought to confess my sin to God and repent.

For a period of time, at the age of 14, I believed all of that. And through that period of time, I began locking away my feelings, never daring to explore them. I was afraid to feel what I was feeling. I never made friends because I was afraid that they would discover this dark secret of mine. Again and again, I tried to renounce what I was feeling. It never worked. All those feelings just kept returning. I began believing that I was a failure as a Christian and that I was to be condemned to Hell.

I had no one to confide in. I found no resolution to my situation. I left that church.

I began doubting my worth as a person.

I retreated into myself and fell into depression. At the age of 16, I wanted to kill myself. After all, in a doctrine that said that I was condemned either way, what point was there in continuing?

The turning point came when my mom attended another church and invited me over. Well, more like dragged me over. I hated it at first but, for some reason, I stayed anyway. I guess the people were friendly enough.

Three months down the road, while staying over at a pastor’s house, I took a risk and revealed my interest in men to him. He looked up from breakfast, shrugged his shoulders and went back to eating his cereal. Then, he asked me what I thought of the day.

“Some people advise you what to do and some people forbid what not to do, but the genuine people just ask you if they can do anything for you.” 
― Anuj Somany

To not receive admonishment or any form of rejection came as a shock for me. But that was to be the genuine start of my journey as a Christian.

Years passed and I got to know God better, and I even got out of my shell and made some friends. One thing that I never quite got, though, was a proper role-model. I wanted to live out my life as a Christian as real as possible. I also wanted to live life true to myself.

It’s difficult, even as I’m writing now after all these years, to express the confusion of reconciling my faith with my state. At least, it’s difficult to explain without ending up preaching about things. I had friends within my Christian circle and I had friends within my LGBT circle. None intersected between both.

I studied the Scriptures. I wrestled a lot with many concepts and ideologies, and I spent many nights crying and wondering. The church always preached about love and mercy but that was easy (enough) to apply to a heterosexual person. What about those who fell into the taboos? What about me?

“Am I a hypocrite?”

That’s a question that’s always on my mind.

I’m going to stop this recount here. What’s the point of this whole monologue? I guess… I’m just hoping to provide some perspective without all the rage.

What really prompted this letter was seeing a large part of my church wearing white over the weekend for FamFest (a.k.a the anti-gay protest parading as a family-friendly event). It felt like betrayal.

This one’s to my fellow Christians. We (non-hetro-sexuals) are very much real people with real emotions. The love we feel for others and the romance is very, VERY real to us. It’s the kind of love where we wake up each day, looking forward to see the one we love – to know the one we love more.

Lawrence Khong spoke of the “gay agenda”. To be fair, there’re some who have turned this into a political issue. For the majority of us, however, Pink Dot is about equality. It is about being validated as people – as individual human beings with real dreams and real emotions. Pink Dot represents us not having to hide in a closet, constantly afraid of being outed and rejected for something we didn’t choose. After all, how do you choose who you fall in love with? To revalidate that, even if you were to reference all the Scripture in the world, how is that the Gospel? How is that loving or compassionate?

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.”

― 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (MSG)

To my fellow gay, bisexual, lesbian, trans and (insert sexuality of choice) friends, I want to apologize to all of you on behalf of the Christian community. I am extremely sorry that you have been wounded in some way or another and I hope and pray that you’ll someday find it in your heart to forgive us.

I know that apology could mean absolutely nothing to you and that it probably won’t make up for a lot of hurt that has happened from the Christian community. To be rejected and devaluated is never an easy thing to be faced with.

I need to let you know, though, that there’re the quiet ones within the Church – those who choose to see you as a person beyond who you lay with.

On Sunday, most of my church wore white. I felt a great sense of betrayal. Then, there were the few who knew about me. And they chose not to wear white. They decided that they could not support an event that essentially de-humanized someone.

I am blessed to have been able to discover friends like that but they’re not the only ones out there in the world. There’re so many more out there in Singapore.

At the end of the day, having been in both sides of this conflict – and sandwiched in this conflict – I’m hoping for the day when everyone can put aside their differences and see each other as people. People who are imperfect. People who are broken.

People who are in need of love.

I'm a Little Teapot

A House for Hermit Crab - Growing Pains

.:: It all starts with two strangers coming together in a series of events in life. It all ends with two friends, by the demands of life, parting ways. ::..

In this modern day and age of efficiency, it's all too easy to get caught up with the busyness of life and forget what it's like to slow down, sit and mull over things. Stuff like wombats, cats bent of Internet domination and friendships. As of late, I've started finding storybooks for children worth reading.

At the age of 22, one of the hard lessons that I've had to learn and come to terms with is that relationships aren't always meant to last. The people that we became friends with years before become unrecognizable now, for better or for worse. In a positive turn of events, friendships deepen. In others, the friendship ends with both parties (hopefully) moving on.

People grow up.

Values change.

People change.

I recently had the opportunity to read a children's storybook given to me as a gift. It was titled "A House for Hermit Crab".

The story basically goes like this: A young hermit crab is moving along the ocean floor, being all boss and shit like all teenage hermit crabs. Each month, he encounters a new critter who becomes his friend to follow him in his journey. At the end of the year, he collects a large group of friends.

Here's the twist: The young hermit crab is no longer all that young and he's outgrown his shell. In order to continue growing, he needs to leave his shell - his comfort zone - and friends behind.

Strikes a chord, doesn't it?

I’m not the final authority on this but having grown up in Singapore and gone through a few different things in life has taught me that in order to survive and keep going on, there’re some things that we’ve gotta learn.

1. The only thing constant in life is CHANGE.

Be it going to a new school, moving to a new house, NS or finding a job, we’re bound to face this little (or not so little) thing called ‘Change’. We’re bound to be thrown into some new environment and be out of our element at some point of time. We’re bound to have to step out of our comfort zones at some point of time.

We can either choose to adapt or be left behind and, perhaps, the first step to getting past this is to accept that things and circumstances DO change.

2. Relationships change.

It's a scary thought that some of the relationships and people that we invest our time and emotions in are not going to last. Relationships change. Relationships can get broken.

And that can get scary.

When we’re in our primary schools, secondary schools, poly courses, JCs and universities, it’s easy to take the people around us for granted. We think the relationships and friendships forged during our schooling days are going to last forever. For some of us, they do. For others, not so much.

Perhaps why “A House for Hermit Crab” stirred up something within me is that it reminded me of a friendship that I used to have with someone. I remember meeting him as a stranger, years back. Being introverted by nature, it was no mean feat in getting to know him but it seemed that life took for a turn and we somehow became incredibly close friends. I might have even considered him my best friend - someone I'd lay down my life for.

Three years down the road, he met someone else and they became fast friends. Our meet-ups decreased. Our spontaneous conversations decreased. We simply... drifted.

For a year or two, I tried to hold onto the friendship. I tried to initiate conversations. I tried to initiate meet-ups. Nothing seemed to be able to revive the friendship that we used to have.

3. People will intentionally and unintentionally hurt you. But it’s usually unintentional.

For a while, I had to grapple with the pain of a friendship lost. Someone who I had held close to my heart had walked out of my life without me realizing. There were many periods where I'd pick up the phone and realize right after that he would no longer give me the time of the day. During that period, I became bitter. I would say it almost became an obsession to try and restore what was lost. I retreated into myself and walled others off emotionally.

It was lonely.

It was painful.

When we make friends; when we enter into relationships of any sort, we can have the tendency to forget that the people we love and invest time in are simply that – People. We might fall into situations where we expect things or standards out of our friends. We can end up expecting the commitment we place on them to be reciprocated always.

We can forget – or at least it did happen in my case – that these people who we love or care deeply about are imperfect. They’re not always going to be perfect. They’re not always going to meet up to our expectations. Heck, they may not even be as committed to this friendship as we expect them to be.

People grow up.

Values change.

People change.

4. It takes courage to keep living. You’re alive? Great job!

It's frightening to know that in order to love; in order for relationships to develop, it takes vulnerability. It takes daring to open up our selves to others. It gives others the opportunity to hurt us.

When people hurt us, it’s easy to hold onto that hurt. It’s easy to keep that grudge. After all, forgiving those who hurt us is like saying that it was okay that they hurt us. However, holding grudges is kind of like drinking poison out of a cup while glaring at a person from a corner. It’s like expecting the person to be punched in the face while you’re silently angry at the person.

The truth is, you’re still hurting inside while the person’s already moved on.

Perhaps it was a godsend that I had the chance to read that story. I began letting others in; began getting to know other people. It was difficult, at first. God knows that for months, I still kept trying to revive that friendship.

It was terrifying at first. What if they hurt me again? What if they were to move on again?

Juvenile, I know. But that’s just me. Or maybe you might have had those thoughts run through your mind as well. Funny thing is that it’s kinda tough for guys to admit that things like that CAN hurt. It’s okay, though. No one knows you read this so it’s cool.

Anyway, as I got to know these new friends better, it became easier. The pain lessened. I chose to let it go. It was okay. I finally decided to take responsibility over my own emotions and to stop letting someone not present in my life dictate them.

5. Love is spelt as TIME.

In Singapore, with us struggling to keep up with the rising cost of living and to build our careers, it’s easy to forget the people around us. It’s easy to get caught up in our work, appointments and schedules. After all, good feelings don’t pay the bills.

(Well… okay. That’s debatable depending on the context of “good feelings” but that wouldn’t be appropriate for a family-friendly website. #wut)

It’s difficult to find spare time in Singapore but it’s not THAT difficult to eke out some time if we REALLY valued the people around us. A weekly lunch. A monthly dinner. An intentional 5-minute call or message to let someone know that they are loved. That’s all it takes.

And for those who are receiving these, it’s time to appreciate the effort behind it. Of course, it’s easy to complain about things. It’s easy to compare what we get to those who seem better off. I’ve done enough of that myself but let’s appreciate what went into that gesture.

6. Treasure what you have right now.

There is no guarantee that things will last forever. Let go of resentment. Forgive each other. Make the most of what you both have now to create memories that both of you can look back on and smile. The friendship may not last but the precious memories created will.

Perhaps, part of the beauty of things not being permanent is how painfully aware you are that you could lose it at any moment. We’d hate to lose things that we treasure, of course, but they can slip out of our grasp. No one truly knows what the future holds.

7. Finding your new house.

Friendship is painful. Love is risky. Relationships are not a safety net. Life is uncertain. To wall everyone off might protect us from the pain that can follow but it also an incredibly lonely path to walk. Sometimes, when we’ve grown too comfortable where we are or are stuck in a rut, it might be a good thing to step of our shells and comfort zones. This much I have learnt.

People grow up.

Values change.

People change.

Perhaps, this little hermit crab has grown up.

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Disclaimer: Assassin's Creed and all of its characters are property of UbiSoft. I do not profit from it, apart from getting entertainment from doing my fanfiction and improving on my language and writing skills. Also, all events and characters are purely fictitious and any similarities to people or events in real life are purely coincidental.

Just a little comic strip.  Malik's face is a (sort of) copy of some (awesome!) artists's style.

Can't remember who she is on DeviantArt. Please tell me who she is if you know so I can credit her accordingly. 

Psychedelic Altair

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