XiaoMao is back! For real!

I am very pleased and excited to reveal this latest development. In all honesty, I'm a little nervous about this - given my erratic schedule and all - but I'm determined to make this work!

To check out more of XiaoMao and follow XiaoMao, go to the Facebook Page!

Of Onesies, Headbanging Men and Confused Inverse Centaurs

Wanna see the video in higher definition? Click on the link!

Absolutely Important Tuition Assignment

BLK 666

Bodoh Lane, #06-66

Singapore 666666

Mr. Richard Ovawurticus Tutor

Language Tutor

Reputable Centre Pte Ltd

Education Cove Street 25

Singapore 123456

Dear Mr. Richard Ovawurticus Tutor,

Absolutely Important Tuition Assignment

My name is Chao Giam Siap. I am an extremely concerned parent. I have a very bright child. However, I am extremely worried for my offspring’s grades. My offspring is only able to attend classes in the wee hours of the morning or late into the night. Most of the people in your industry have flexible work hours I don’t see why none of you can make time for my offspring.

I have done extensive searching online and spoken with many of my high-flying colleagues and have come to the conclusion that you have many years of teaching experience, understand what you’re teaching about, have a positive track record and provide an excellent and professional service. However, it is SG50 and the Great Singapore Sale is commencing in a few months. It is to my understanding that many service providers offer greatly discounted rates to celebrate this. I would like to ask if you can give me a special discounted rate. Not too much of a discount. I have manners, mind you. Maybe just a 50% discount. I promise that it will be kept a secret between us. This arrangement will remain a secret and be taken with me to my grave. You can trust me.

In return for this, I will tell everyone about how great you are. It’s great exposure! I know that you’ll earn a lot less and have to starve a little because you’ve taken my offspring on and will be unable to teach others who are willing to pay normal rates. But think about it! Think of all the people who will want to enlist your services after I spread word around.

Education is the future of our youths and you, as an educator, are at the forefront of this. Your name will echo in the hallways of history as one of the change-makers of society! It is an honour. And because it’s an honour, I would like you to consider the honour of maybe, just maybe, doing it all for free. I will, of course, be kind and keep ensure you have a steady supply of tap water and oxygen in the room. You will have to make your own arrangements for food and transport.

I look forward to your quick and favourable reply,

Chao Giam Siap

Dear Heian, reporting defective plants from your garden

From:		Quan Bu Shi <everythingdie@hotmail.com>
To:		Heian Edenwood <heianedenwood@gmail.com>
Date:		23 April 2014 at 00:52
Subject:		Reporting Defective Plants from Your Garden

Rageface from drawception.com

Dear Heian,

I am a very displeased resident of your estate. I am writing to you this letter in response to the fiftieth plant that you have given me from the garden, that has died in my toilet. It is to my understanding that you said that this plant is remarkably hardy.

Attached is the following plant you gave to me 10 weeks ago.

I understand that you said that this plant grows incredibly well and is considered a weed. A nice fragrant weed with medicinal qualities but still essentially a weed. I also understand that you said that this plant is grown in full sun and splashed with water from the hose daily. Not much care apart from that.

However, I have taken to heed about you saying that it is a hardy plant. So, in order to beautify my toilet and hopefully eliminate the smell of urine and faeces like one of those minty air fresheners, I have put it in. The pot that the mint plant was in was really ugly as well, so I pulled the whole plant out and stuffed it into a black pot. You said you're an artist and designer. Don't you have any sense of aesthetics?

Attached is a photo of my toilet.

I know that you have said many times that you have no wish to see what my toilet looks like but I insist. I'm very sure that you can figure out a way to ensure that I have a steady supply of peppermint to perfume my toilet.

There is no sunlight that really enters the toilet so it's really dark. But the plant gets light whenever I go in for a shower, about two times a day, when I'm in town. But I also travel a lot so I can be away for days.

So the plant gets around 2 hours of fluorescent lighting a day, if I'm around. If I'm overseas, it gets no light for days till I get back. I also water it once every few days, assuming I remember.

I don't get why it can't grow. You said that it was low maintenance. A weed. A fucking weed, you said. This is what it looks like now. This is what I came home to. A pathetic pile of detritus. I have brought it out the the kitchen where it has some sunlight so you can see what a terrible state it's in.

Photo from runningwithspoons.com

This is the fiftieth plant you have given me that is defective. I am extremely displeased with your service. I demand a full refund. I know the mint plants were given to me for free but I think you ought to be obliged to help me set up a proper growing garden in my house since all your plants are defective.

I don't think you were being honest with me when you said they were low maintenance. This is why I pluck plants from your garden instead. At least I know it's my fault when they die. I hope you have a proper time of self-reflection on how shitty your service is as a volunteer in the garden and providing quality service to us residents.

In the meantime, I will go buy a mint plant from a reputable company like How Does Your Garden Grow.

You suck,

Quan Bu Shi

Totally necessary disclaimer because some people just don't get it: This is satire. According to Google, this means the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize a person's or people's lack of... thought or vices, in the context of topical issues. But do support local companies like 'How Does Your Garden Grow'! Plants sold by local companies who deal with locally grown plants (rather than imported) are much more likely to be acclimatized to Singapore's weather and last longer to bring you more joy!

Some Garden DIY

For those of you who know me, I do quite a fair bit of gardening. For those of you who know me better, I'm pretty huge on homesteading (or feeble attempts at it) and recycling junk into something useful for the garden.

All these little DIY projects have helped me saved some serious moolah. Let's take this nice little garden apron, for example:

This was originally from an old pair of jeans that no longer fit me. Mind you, it's a 7-year old pair of jeans so I don't think I actually put on weight.

Yeah. The jeans must have shrunk. That can be the only reason.

Anyways, I took a nice pair a scissors and snipped up the back portion of my jeans, and voila! A nice, durable garden apron. This apron even has 2 nice little pockets to store my tools, sans balls stabbing.

I tried it on and found that it was still slightly too tight so I added a few rubber bands as an elastic extension.

Nifty, eh?

My knack of storing junk for repurposing at a later time has met much chagrin from the mother, though. But can you blame me when even an exhausted Thirsty Hippo container can be turned into a wicking container?!

The best part is that the container was essentially free (it would've been thrown away anyway) and I now have a plant that I know I won't have to worry about if I want to go on an extended holiday.

So what else did I repurpose and upcycle?

One of the largest offenders of plastic waste entering the oceans, of course! Plastic bottles!

I was reading up on vertical gardens and how they can maximise air space and reduce water wastage when it came to watering the plants inside. I mean, considering global warming, the recent scorching weather, global water shortage and Singapore's lack of real natural resources, I figured this was worth looking into.

One can never be too sure when a zombie apocalypse will occur.

That one tower became two towers.

As you can see, a single tower looks pretty ugly by itself but it looks better when done as a group. The entire railing will probably be filled up with more vertical planters as time goes by.

Here's how it works. Water is fed into the green bottles (holes have been poked into the base) and it all flows down the bottles, ensuring water reaches all the plants. The end result? Everything gets watered with less than 500ml flowing down the drain per vertical setup. This is significantly less compared to if we were to water with a watering can. Imagine all the savings in the water bill!

I'll keep you all updated on the evolution of this plant wall. Keeping my fingers crossed on this being a success!

Have any other ideas? Post them below and we'll chat!

A Day in My Life as a Tutor

Working as a teacher can be an incredibly vibrant occupation, be it part-time or full-time. There are many moments filled with great joy and fulfillment; days where I truly find myself believing that this is truly my calling.

Then there are those days when I want to face palm myself so hard that it smashes right through the second-hand IKEA desk at the centre. I don't mean that I hate my job, mind you. It's just one of those moments where I'm not quite sure on whether I want to laugh or throttle my students.

Here's a look into one of those offending days:

So I was covering a well-prepared lesson on plotting and drafting an essay, and working in description. It was all going pretty well for the first part.

The topic was about an encounter with a giant cockroach while cycling in the park and the theme was comedy. An easy enough topic, right? Who hasn't seen someone else panic from flying cockroaches in the most hilarious ways possible?

So this happened. Well, I suppose that would be response from most of us if a human-sized cockroach were to tap our shoulder and proceed to chase us into the sea.

Then, came student B. Student A was focusing on my class, writing out a proper essay and trying out the tips on description that I'd taught earlier in class. As soon as student A turned his head away, student B nabbed his essay and turned it into quite something else entirely.

I'm not saying that I approve of the contents but I'll admit choking out a laugh of disbelief and/or shock when I read it.

Click on the image for a larger view

Seriously though, what's this kid on?

Tiny little disclaimer: I have received full permission from my students to post up their essays.

“’Cher, secondary school is so stressful. So much homework. Every little thing also fail. Come home from school, spend 10 minutes in the shower, eat a quick meal then I rush down for another class.”

That was the first time I’d heard her genuinely complain about studying in my class. I didn’t think much of it. I gently chided her and taught her some time management skills. That was the first of many complaints to come from her, each getting more serious.

 “’Cher, I’m very tired. Can let me sleep for a while? Can don’t give homework?”

I agreed to not giving her any assignments but I wasn’t able to let her take a nap lest I risk the tuition centre being questioned on its credibility and professionalism. I compromised on a 15 minute video break, chocolates and soda.

“’Cher, what’s the point of all this studying? What’s the point of anything?”

I paused the lesson and shared with the class about my personal history and my previous struggle with chronic depression. A solemn and contemplative silence had filled the classroom. However, she didn’t look convinced. I left it as that but kept it in mind.

“’Cher, I think no need to study anymore. Die also easier. No need to stress over my results and get nagged at by my parents every time.”

I pulled her aside, counselled her and discreetly informed the principal. The principal spoke to her and things calmed down for a few weeks. One day, all the classrooms on the ground floor were being used. My class was brought up to be conducted on the second floor. She eyed the glass window and sat at the back of the class.

Class went on as per normal. I gave my class their practice for the day and settled down to mark some essays. Just then, I heard someone fiddling with the lock of the window. Looking up, I saw her standing in front of the window. She looked at me and asked.

“’Cher, jump down from the second floor can die or not?”

I ended the class early that day, told her to go home and rest, and to approach me when she was ready to talk about what was bothering her. She took me up on the offer and she’s been learning to cope with whatever she’s facing ever since.

This is not the first time I’ve encountered this, and unfortunately, will probably not be the last time in a long while. I’ve had so many students approach me, break down and cry, talking about how stressful school life is and how their families are unsupportive. Rather than be offered comfort and encouragement, most of them have parents who either nag incessantly, punish them for not being the top few in class or simply tell them to “suck it up.”

These are not isolated cases.

Fortunately for this particular student, she was enrolled into a centre that was concerned with the welfare of the students rather than simply focusing on getting attendance and earning as much money as possible. I was given a measure of freedom and empowered to conduct lessons the way I wanted or needed to. This enabled me to develop a bond with my student as a mentor and friend, and for her to dare to open up. The only condition was to maintain complete transparency with the centre to ensure a professional relationship was kept.

However, this is not always a luxury my other students or I can afford. I’ve seen a parent quite literally call her son “a useless lazy piece of s**t” every week whenever I came by to give private tuition. When I called her out on it, she said that it was none of my business and that I was only paid to ensure that her son would score an A1 for English. She then proceeded to threaten to fire me if I interfered once more. Another one told me that he didn’t care if his child understood the English language and how it was to be used. All he cared was that I ensured his child memorised the answers to score an A. I’ve had yet another student that was banned from all forms of media or hanging out with friends in order to “mug” for English.

These are, perhaps, extreme and isolated cases. Nonetheless, instances of this have occurred in varying degrees, usually in the form of parents brushing off their child’s behaviour when I provide feedback, or threatening to pull their child from the class.

Have we become so obsessed with the pursuit of being Number One that we have forsaken the needs of our children to be nurtured; to be loved; to be valued?

Have we become so focused on winning that we have forgotten that there is so much more to life and living than just scoring that A?

Have we so lost faith in our children that we would rather force them to memorise a set of formulas, for the sake of getting through the exams, than to encourage them to dare; to dream; to explore; to learn and understand?

Perhaps it is time to re-examine how we have been approaching education and how we have been speaking and acting towards our children. Perhaps it is time to start recognising and acknowledge that it’s okay to make mistakes – which these are all part and parcel of the learning process. Perhaps it’s time to revisit and evaluate our values.

Now my question is this: What will you do?

Thar be Fishies and Crustaceans

Today's the first night off that I've had in a long while. My days are usually packed with work, projects, meetings and work. Taking full advantage of this rare opportunity, I arranged for a dinner date with a friend to catch up.

While waiting for him, I decided to pop by the aquarium at Plaza Singapura. Not for more fish, mind you. I just added four female Siamese fighting fish into my tank. Beauties, they are! Though I think the bunch of them have been fighting. Just among themselves. The rest of the inhabitants didn't seem too bothered by their new tank mates.

Perhaps they had a disagreement over who would have the last scoop of Ben&Jerry's ice cream from Free Scoop Day.

Anyways, I was just to browse around and kill some time. I was delighted to find quite tanks full of shrimps and crayfish (as you can see from my very nifty header image). I've never quite had success with caring for them but one can always admire with great envy from afar.

So... moving round the aquarium, I found this very cute box fish that was struggling to avoid the piercing gaze of my camera phone. No, like seriously. It was just hovering over there till I took out my camera phone and started shooting.

Then there was this tank full of clown loaches. One of my first loves. You have no idea on how happy I was or how long I squatted there, staring at the little colony.

Anyways, my dinner date arrived soon after this video shot and that marked the end of my fish viewing.

Check out where learning meets fun!

Hello everyone. Apologies for my long, long absence. Between language tutoring, software training, church and freelance work, and taking care of my flora babes, I've barely had any time to do much of anything else.

To make up for it, here's a banner created for Happy Tutors Learning Centre by yours truly.

Surviving CNY Visitations and Endless Feasting

Loved it or hated it; the season of visiting, feasting and pleasantries came, swept through in an auspicious wave and left us with expanded waistlines! Here’re 8 (how auspicious!) hot tips on enjoying the remaining CNY break and surviving future CNY seasons.

Totally necessary disclaimer: This is 50% fact, 50% nonsense.

Plan out your outfits.

Ever had relatives you barely know comment on your waistline and call you fat out of the blue? Well, that’s right. It doesn’t matter whether you’re meeting strangers, acquaintances, friends or family. You absolutely need to look fabulous. Opt for outfits that compliment your body shape and size, and remember: ALWAYS remember to wear a colour that looks kind of auspicious.

Plan out your transport and route.

Have you ever tried flagging down a cab during the festive season? That’s a sure-fire way to practice your arm flapping stance while you try to flag down a cab for the next hour in Singapore’s summer heat. Hitch a ride with your relatives. Blackmail your friends and colleagues, over past favours, into giving you free rides. Book a cab a day in advance. Better yet, just take the MRT or bus. Also, to avoid a CNY rendition of the Amazing Race, plan your route in a single direction (e.g. East to West) or in a cyclical form (from home, around Singapore and back home). It will save you a ton of money in public transport and cab fares. Trust me.

Create an FAQ specially designed for relatives.

By the time you’ve reached the prime age of 12, you would’ve memorised a set of questions always asked by relatives to create remarkably brief and moderately polite questions. To avoid having to give the same repeated answers, you may opt to design and print out a few pamphlets – directly proportional to the number of relatives you have – filled with the answers to frequently asked questions.

Alternatively, hand them your personal biographical portfolio containing multiple charts and diagrams about your grades, jobs, salary, romantic relationships, height, weight and more.

For those who come from families with marketing and business backgrounds, you may opt for a more professional approach to this. An impressive portfolio containing your entire life history and credentials is bound to wow them. Don’t forget to include glitter and sparkles for the ensuing celebration of all your achievements. All of this will have them ooo-ing and aah-ing over your presentation materials and save you from excess human contact.

Don’t forget all those lovely Botox injections. Smile for the relatives!

They say that it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile. However, smiling still requires energy and there’s going to be a whole lot of obligatory smiling feel free to scarf down the whole array of new year treats, candies and bak kwa. Especially the bak kwa.

Wear a full protective suit to shield yourself from the impending rain of “lou hei” and “yu sheng”.

Ever had a “lou hei” session? It is believed that pieces of food falling onto the table and floor is good luck, much akin to luck and money raining from the sky. The messier, the better. This is not so if you have dressed nicely for the event or put in the extra hour for makeup, or having pieces of salmon stuck in your hair. Feel free to wear a Hazmat suit to protect your outfits from this tasty rain. A cheaper alternative would be a beekeeper’s suit.

Hire a one-day personal financial consultant to help you to save all the money you collect from the ang paos. Don’t forget those mandarin oranges!

For most of us, especially those with large extended families, we’ll probably be able to rack up hundreds of dollars in red packet earnings. Rather than spend all that money, it would be wise to break it all down into savings and spending money. It’s never too early to get into the habit of saving money, so put aside some of that cash. If you’re not too sure on how to do this budgeting, your best financial consultants are both easily accessible AND free: your parents. Oh, and don’t forget those mandarin oranges when you go visiting!

Get a gym membership and hire a personal trainer with all that ang pao moolah.

Whenever people ask me how much I get for Chinese New Year, all I say is 8888 calories. Very auspicious and all in good reason. With all the visiting and eating going on, few of us are going to have the time to actually exercise and keep fit. It would be good to prepare to get back into shape after all that feasting. As they always say, one of the steps to a healthy mind is a healthy body. And no, round is not a shape.

Written for Happy Tutors Learning Centre

The Extremely Stressed Student's Guide to Surviving 2015

“How’s it going with year 2015?”

As a language tutor, I’ve asked many of students this question. I’ve also gotten a whole plethora of answers, ranging from the usual “okay lah” to an extremely detailed expository on it. “Okay lah” is usually the more common answer though.

Back to the topic at hand, the common thread tying most of these answers together would be two words: ‘excitement’ and ‘stress’.

Either way, most of us want to start the year right and (hopefully) end it well. If you’re feeling either of these two, we’ve got just the thing for each of you! We’ve even broken it all down into nice categories for you, so read on!

“Okay, lah.”

Perhaps you haven’t quite thought about it. Perhaps you defy all conventions and are apathetic about the year ahead. Perhaps you just didn’t like the nosy teacher asking about your personal year plans.

If you’re person one or three, this would be for you.

Think through a handful of things of what’s important to you. One year is not a whole lot of days, and most of our personal experiences will tell us that while much can be completed in one year, that isn’t always the case for the things closest to our hearts.

Think through what’s genuinely close to your heart. Think about what really makes your blood race and gets you excited about living – beyond just existing in this country. Think about what’s going to help you advance in this life. We are mere beings with a limited emotional and mental capacity.

It might just be time to de-clutter and focus on those things. If you don’t care about whatever it is and it doesn’t help you to grow as a person, cast it aside. If it doesn’t help you to advance in your studies, cast it aside. If all it does is sap your emotional energy, cast it aside.

“I am excited/stressed.”

Quite a number of us have already made plans for the year ahead, and are excited for what lies in store for each of us. Whatever it is, being excited about it and having a passion are truly wonderful feelings to have. Not everyone is blessed to ever feel such a thing.

Meeting the end-goal, however, is not driven by just passion and excitement alone.

We think about the rewards we will reap and get excited about it. However, we tend to forget about the problems that will lie ahead. During those times, commitment is what will pull us through.

Think about what exactly it is about the thing that makes you excited. Recognize it and hold onto it. When the going gets rough, that is sometimes the only thing that you’ll have to keep you going.

Let passion and excitement motivate you. Have commitment to keep driving you forward.

XiaoMao wishes you a great 2015!

7 Things to NEVER Do for Christmas

In light of the ever-so-lovely and ever-so-festive Christmas, I bring to you…

1. Make spelling mistakes on your gift cards.

2. Jump on your parents’ bed in the morning, scratch your head and scream, “It’s snowing!”

3. Mix up your family’s gifts.

4. Give the equivalent of charcoal in a Christmas sock.

5. Dress inappropriately for the party.

6. Also, sing “Let It Burn” and set your kids on fire if they dress up as Elsa.

7. Take endless selfies at the dinner table.

The Day Santa Got Stuck (Essay)

It was a gloomy day of darkened windows and empty streets. Sleet rained white upon a small village, blotting out the stars in the sky. The constant patter of frosted rain and the clanging of metal could be heard all around. The cobbled pavements were blanketed by a thick layer of slush.

However, it was all broken by a single window flickering with a soft orange glow. A closer inspection would show a young girl, swathed in blankets and candle in hand, peering up the chimney eagerly. Just beside her sat a plate of cookies and a cup of milk. She sat completely still, her rapt posture only broken by the occasional shift. Then, a bright smile.

“Momma, I think Santa’s here,” the little girl whispered eagerly to her mother who was sitting in a rickety rocking chair nearby.

“I’m sure he is, sweetie,” her mother smiled, “But I’m afraid that it’s far past your bed time and we’re down to our last candle for tonight.”

Huffing, the little girl pouted and opened her mouth momentarily, looking as if she would protest. However, she merely slumped in disappointment and said, “Okay, momma.”

With that, the candle was blown out and both retired to bed.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Crunch.

There was a muffled sound of ice being crushed underfoot from the roof. Yet, no one stirred. Not the little girl nor her mother.

Just above the house, a portly man dressed in red stepped off his reindeer. Grunting and heaving, the man hefted a large sack off the lone reindeer. It made an annoyed sound and shifted. Patting its haunch, the portly man stroked his rather bushy moustache and chuckled, “Sorry, old girl. Sky-road taxes with the magical folk are on the rise and there’re now additional charges with us having to pass through the new Ethereal Riders Passage. You’re the only one left that I can afford to keep to do these gift deliveries.”

The reindeer merely snorted, turned its back to him and flopped onto the roof. Sighing, he reached into the sack beside him and fished out a million-paged assessment book. Shaking his head, and muttering about terrible modern day gifts and unreasonable expectations placed on children, he stepped towards the chimney.

Staring down the tiny chimney hole dubiously, the man looked at his giant gut and squeezed his rather large love handles. “Looks like good ol’ Santa Claus still needs to lose some more weight. The Insanity Challenge and Mike Chang YouTube channel weight-loss tips just aren’t cutting it.”

Santa Claus gave a grunt and put a foot into the chimney. He nearly let out a yelp as he lurched forward, the chimney giving way under his sheer weight. He wobbled precariously for a moment, clutching the assessment book with his stubby fingers, before he regained his balance. He scowled at the chimney he now rested his posterior upon, “They don’t quite make chimneys like they used to.”

Sucking his paunch in, he attempted to squeeze into the chimney. A few grunts, wheezes and a sickening crunch of bricks cracking later, Santa Claus gave a triumphant shout. His belly finally fit into the chimney.

It was a perfect fit.

A sickening realisation dawned upon him for he was truly stuck in the hole. Gritting his teeth, he gave a violent heave and slid down further. The sound of broken bricks raining onto the pavement below could be heard throughout the village. If one were to look out their window at this point of time, they would have seen the head of a man with a bushy white moustache looking extremely red in the face, and incredibly pained.

This was truly justified for Santa Claus, as the assessment book was now crushing certain sensitive parts in his nether regions. He was struck with a realisation on the irony that such a parallel, between his gonad-crushing pain and what modern day expectations on children was like, would be formed. That momentary thought was quickly swept away, however, when he heard the house’s young occupant lumbering within, much too close to the chimney he was now in unwilling union with. He tried to wiggle himself out, only to have his shoe fall down the chimney.

The little girl had awoken to the sound of bricks hitting the ground outside. Squinting her eyes, she wondered on what was going on. Perhaps, Santa was here! Now fully awake, she tip-toed around. Unfortunately, she didn’t notice the plate of cookies and stepped right into it. She pouted and resumed her journey towards the cold hearth.

There was a great sound coming from the chimney! Peeking up, the little girl was met with a giant red boot to the face. Shaking her head to clear the stars dancing in her vision, she looked up again. She barely dodged the foot that swung her way.

She grabbed the poker and prodded the foot. It twitched away. “Is that you, Santa?” the little girl shouted up the chimney.

She was met with stony silence.

“Are you stuck? Do you need me to pull you out?”

The foot stopped swinging out. There was a momentary pause before Santa replied with a meek, “Yes.”

Giggling, the girl tossed the poker aside and wrapped her little fingers around Santa’s ankle. With a great tug, she succeeded in pulling Santa down into the hearth. There was a great roar of bricks tumbling down the roof now. Coughing from all the ash that had risen from Santa’s landing, both him and little girl turned to look at the girl’s mother sleeping. All that noise had, miraculously, not woken her up.

Santa gave a sheepish smile and handed her the assessment book. “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!”

The little girl scrutinised Santa’s face sharply. “Are you really Santa? You don’t look like him. You’re fat but you’re missing the beard.”

Affronted by her brash statement, Santa considered stringing the little girl by her ankle to his reindeer and dragging her through the night sky. However, he merely tucked in his tummy and stroked his moustache, “Ho, ho! The ladies these days hate facial hair. I need to keep up with the times. “Movember” is over too.”

Giving a non-committal shrug and looking unconvinced, the little girl looked at the assessment book in her hands and scowled, “Who the heck gives assessment books as Christmas gifts to little children? Where’s my little pony?!”

“Well,” Santa smiled forcefully at the little girl and said, “There is no better thing in this world than a structured education. I must now go!”

Turning towards the now-ruined chimney, he paused and stuttered, “I-I think I’d better use the door this time instead.”

Swiftly unlocking the door, Santa ran out and shut the door with a slam.

“Sweetie, why’re you awake? Also, have you seen my shopping list? I think I might have mixed it up with your wishes for Santa.”

Written for Happy Tutors Learning Centre

This goes out to my poor students...

Hello, my fair students. Holidays abound, homework is few and you are halfway through. Now is both a time to truly settle into the break and wish that it was longer. It is also a period where some of you may, perhaps, be in the habit of making New Year Resolutions.

For the few of us, we can be proud to say that we have succeeded in accomplishing what we sought to do. For the rest, we would have probably failed to accomplish the cumulative resolutions from 5 years ago.

Fear not! I have compiled a list of...

1. Do it “just cuz everyone’s doing it”.

Ever heard of the term “peer pressure”?

Yeah, you probably don’t need to hear about it to know what it is. You’ve probably faced some level of it. For example, when you totally love One Direction and everyone is hating on them, and you’re forced to tell everyone else how much you hate them even when you don’t. It’s pretty messed up, I know.

Take that repressed love for One Direction and multiply it by, according to some obscure human population count, a thousand times. That would probably be the pressure you’d feel with regard to New Year Resolutions, if you’re even into that kind of thing.

Love it or hate it, the purpose of making resolutions is to make a positive change in your life. The prospect of having some form of power and control over your own life, which you DO have, is exciting but calm your tits. Don’t do it out of impulse.

Take a step back and think: Do I ACTUALLY need to make a positive change in something?

Don’t do it just because everyone says you should or because of that shiny disco ball at the party inspiring you.

2. Do it out of regret that you didn’t do your previous resolutions.

How many of us are still trying to clear our backlog of New Year Resolutions from five years ago? It probably goes along the lines of “I’ll clean my room more”, “I’ll exercise” or “I’ll study harder”. These are definitely good resolutions to make as a student. One can never say no to a cleaner, fitter and hardworking student.

However, how many of us make these non-committal resolutions, fail to accomplish them and regret them? Then, we make the exact same resolutions, give up halfway and repeat the following year.

It’s a real vicious cycle.

Look ahead. Not back. Yeah, you’ve failed in completing your resolutions this year. Now, take a look at what exactly caused you to fail in your resolutions and make a specific resolution to target that root issue.

3. Do it in a rush.

One major thing that causes us to inadvertently fail in our resolutions is that we tend to get over-excited at the prospect of making a change and settling for any resolution that sounds good.

Fast? Yes.

Effective? No.

Again, take a step back and figure out what exactly is important to you for the long haul. Next, figure out what can be achieved to bring yourself closer to that goal within the year. Then, think about what exactly you need to do to achieve your objectives.

Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

4. Make a gazillion resolutions.

Similar to point 3, most of us don’t just love settling for first few things we can think of. We Singaporeans love the best and we love collecting all the good things in the world. When it comes down to it, there sure are a whole lot of good things that we can resolve to achieve in the world.

We end up making many resolutions to achieve within the year itself.

Now, think about it. In each year, how many of these resolutions have you managed to ACTUALLY complete? Stick to one or a few that you can actually achieve. It’s better to make one and complete it successfully than to make a hundred and half-ass it all.

5. Make it out-of-the-world.

Cuz you’ll need to be able to fly out of the world to achieve it.

The reason why it’s called “out-of-the-world” is because it’s something that’s perceived to be near impossible or just plain impossible to achieve. Take time to study your strengths, weaknesses and character patterns. Take time to understand yourself and how you work.

From there, compare it all to your goals and how they could aid or impede your path towards your objective.

How are your strengths going to help you achieve your goal? What are your peak hours when it comes to a specific task or goal?

How are your weaknesses going to prevent you from achieving your goal? Are you, perhaps, a chronic procrastinator?

Consider it all and come up with a workable game plan. For example, all it sometimes takes is just a change in environment.

6. Make it miniscule.

Just because you shouldn’t have an out-of-the-world resolution doesn’t mean that you should go around making simplistic resolutions.

The point of one is to CHALLENGE yourself. Dare to dream big. Make a big, achievable plan. Break it down into bite-sized steps and spread it out over the year.

7. Make it all about me, myself and I.

Well, okay. Not really. You should be making goals to improve yourself but don’t set yourself up to fail. Keep yourself accountable to someone. It always helps to make someone you trust aware of your plans. Let him or her know of your game plan and talk it through. Get a second opinion and work out the kinks in the plan together. Get this person to hold you accountable to achieving your milestones.