.:: It all starts with two strangers coming together in a series of events in life. It all ends with two friends, by the demands of life, parting ways. ::..
In this modern day and age of efficiency, it's all too easy to get caught up with the busyness of life and forget what it's like to slow down, sit and mull over things. Stuff like wombats, cats bent of Internet domination and friendships. As of late, I've started finding storybooks for children worth reading.
At the age of 22, one of the hard lessons that I've had to learn and come to terms with is that relationships aren't always meant to last. The people that we became friends with years before become unrecognizable now, for better or for worse. In a positive turn of events, friendships deepen. In others, the friendship ends with both parties (hopefully) moving on.
People grow up.
Values change.
People change.
I recently had the opportunity to read a children's storybook given to me as a gift. It was titled "A House for Hermit Crab".
The story basically goes like this: A young hermit crab is moving along the ocean floor, being all boss and shit like all teenage hermit crabs. Each month, he encounters a new critter who becomes his friend to follow him in his journey. At the end of the year, he collects a large group of friends.
Here's the twist: The young hermit crab is no longer all that young and he's outgrown his shell. In order to continue growing, he needs to leave his shell - his comfort zone - and friends behind.
Strikes a chord, doesn't it?
I’m not the final authority on this but having grown up in Singapore and gone through a few different things in life has taught me that in order to survive and keep going on, there’re some things that we’ve gotta learn.
1. The only thing constant in life is CHANGE.
Be it going to a new school, moving to a new house, NS or finding a job, we’re bound to face this little (or not so little) thing called ‘Change’. We’re bound to be thrown into some new environment and be out of our element at some point of time. We’re bound to have to step out of our comfort zones at some point of time.
Be it going to a new school, moving to a new house, NS or finding a job, we’re bound to face this little (or not so little) thing called ‘Change’. We’re bound to be thrown into some new environment and be out of our element at some point of time. We’re bound to have to step out of our comfort zones at some point of time.
We can either choose to adapt or be left behind and, perhaps, the first step to getting past this is to accept that things and circumstances DO change.
2. Relationships change.
It's a scary thought that some of the relationships and people that we invest our time and emotions in are not going to last. Relationships change. Relationships can get broken.
And that can get scary.
When we’re in our primary schools, secondary schools, poly courses, JCs and universities, it’s easy to take the people around us for granted. We think the relationships and friendships forged during our schooling days are going to last forever. For some of us, they do. For others, not so much.
Perhaps why “A House for Hermit Crab” stirred up something within me is that it reminded me of a friendship that I used to have with someone. I remember meeting him as a stranger, years back. Being introverted by nature, it was no mean feat in getting to know him but it seemed that life took for a turn and we somehow became incredibly close friends. I might have even considered him my best friend - someone I'd lay down my life for.
Three years down the road, he met someone else and they became fast friends. Our meet-ups decreased. Our spontaneous conversations decreased. We simply... drifted.
For a year or two, I tried to hold onto the friendship. I tried to initiate conversations. I tried to initiate meet-ups. Nothing seemed to be able to revive the friendship that we used to have.
3. People will intentionally and unintentionally hurt you. But it’s usually unintentional.
For a while, I had to grapple with the pain of a friendship lost. Someone who I had held close to my heart had walked out of my life without me realizing. There were many periods where I'd pick up the phone and realize right after that he would no longer give me the time of the day. During that period, I became bitter. I would say it almost became an obsession to try and restore what was lost. I retreated into myself and walled others off emotionally.
It was lonely.
It was painful.
When we make friends; when we enter into relationships of any sort, we can have the tendency to forget that the people we love and invest time in are simply that – People. We might fall into situations where we expect things or standards out of our friends. We can end up expecting the commitment we place on them to be reciprocated always.
We can forget – or at least it did happen in my case – that these people who we love or care deeply about are imperfect. They’re not always going to be perfect. They’re not always going to meet up to our expectations. Heck, they may not even be as committed to this friendship as we expect them to be.
People grow up.
Values change.
People change.
4. It takes courage to keep living. You’re alive? Great job!
It's frightening to know that in order to love; in order for relationships to develop, it takes vulnerability. It takes daring to open up our selves to others. It gives others the opportunity to hurt us.
When people hurt us, it’s easy to hold onto that hurt. It’s easy to keep that grudge. After all, forgiving those who hurt us is like saying that it was okay that they hurt us. However, holding grudges is kind of like drinking poison out of a cup while glaring at a person from a corner. It’s like expecting the person to be punched in the face while you’re silently angry at the person.
The truth is, you’re still hurting inside while the person’s already moved on.
Perhaps it was a godsend that I had the chance to read that story. I began letting others in; began getting to know other people. It was difficult, at first. God knows that for months, I still kept trying to revive that friendship.
It was terrifying at first. What if they hurt me again? What if they were to move on again?
Juvenile, I know. But that’s just me. Or maybe you might have had those thoughts run through your mind as well. Funny thing is that it’s kinda tough for guys to admit that things like that CAN hurt. It’s okay, though. No one knows you read this so it’s cool.
Anyway, as I got to know these new friends better, it became easier. The pain lessened. I chose to let it go. It was okay. I finally decided to take responsibility over my own emotions and to stop letting someone not present in my life dictate them.
5. Love is spelt as TIME.
In Singapore, with us struggling to keep up with the rising cost of living and to build our careers, it’s easy to forget the people around us. It’s easy to get caught up in our work, appointments and schedules. After all, good feelings don’t pay the bills.
(Well… okay. That’s debatable depending on the context of “good feelings” but that wouldn’t be appropriate for a family-friendly website. #wut)
It’s difficult to find spare time in Singapore but it’s not THAT difficult to eke out some time if we REALLY valued the people around us. A weekly lunch. A monthly dinner. An intentional 5-minute call or message to let someone know that they are loved. That’s all it takes.
And for those who are receiving these, it’s time to appreciate the effort behind it. Of course, it’s easy to complain about things. It’s easy to compare what we get to those who seem better off. I’ve done enough of that myself but let’s appreciate what went into that gesture.
6. Treasure what you have right now.
There is no guarantee that things will last forever. Let go of resentment. Forgive each other. Make the most of what you both have now to create memories that both of you can look back on and smile. The friendship may not last but the precious memories created will.
Perhaps, part of the beauty of things not being permanent is how painfully aware you are that you could lose it at any moment. We’d hate to lose things that we treasure, of course, but they can slip out of our grasp. No one truly knows what the future holds.
7. Finding your new house.
Friendship is painful. Love is risky. Relationships are not a safety net. Life is uncertain. To wall everyone off might protect us from the pain that can follow but it also an incredibly lonely path to walk. Sometimes, when we’ve grown too comfortable where we are or are stuck in a rut, it might be a good thing to step of our shells and comfort zones. This much I have learnt.
People grow up.
Values change.
People change.
Perhaps, this little hermit crab has grown up.
