Dear Heian, reporting defective plants from your garden

From:		Quan Bu Shi <everythingdie@hotmail.com>
To:		Heian Edenwood <heianedenwood@gmail.com>
Date:		23 April 2014 at 00:52
Subject:		Reporting Defective Plants from Your Garden

Rageface from drawception.com

Dear Heian,

I am a very displeased resident of your estate. I am writing to you this letter in response to the fiftieth plant that you have given me from the garden, that has died in my toilet. It is to my understanding that you said that this plant is remarkably hardy.

Attached is the following plant you gave to me 10 weeks ago.

I understand that you said that this plant grows incredibly well and is considered a weed. A nice fragrant weed with medicinal qualities but still essentially a weed. I also understand that you said that this plant is grown in full sun and splashed with water from the hose daily. Not much care apart from that.

However, I have taken to heed about you saying that it is a hardy plant. So, in order to beautify my toilet and hopefully eliminate the smell of urine and faeces like one of those minty air fresheners, I have put it in. The pot that the mint plant was in was really ugly as well, so I pulled the whole plant out and stuffed it into a black pot. You said you're an artist and designer. Don't you have any sense of aesthetics?

Attached is a photo of my toilet.

I know that you have said many times that you have no wish to see what my toilet looks like but I insist. I'm very sure that you can figure out a way to ensure that I have a steady supply of peppermint to perfume my toilet.

There is no sunlight that really enters the toilet so it's really dark. But the plant gets light whenever I go in for a shower, about two times a day, when I'm in town. But I also travel a lot so I can be away for days.

So the plant gets around 2 hours of fluorescent lighting a day, if I'm around. If I'm overseas, it gets no light for days till I get back. I also water it once every few days, assuming I remember.

I don't get why it can't grow. You said that it was low maintenance. A weed. A fucking weed, you said. This is what it looks like now. This is what I came home to. A pathetic pile of detritus. I have brought it out the the kitchen where it has some sunlight so you can see what a terrible state it's in.

Photo from runningwithspoons.com

This is the fiftieth plant you have given me that is defective. I am extremely displeased with your service. I demand a full refund. I know the mint plants were given to me for free but I think you ought to be obliged to help me set up a proper growing garden in my house since all your plants are defective.

I don't think you were being honest with me when you said they were low maintenance. This is why I pluck plants from your garden instead. At least I know it's my fault when they die. I hope you have a proper time of self-reflection on how shitty your service is as a volunteer in the garden and providing quality service to us residents.

In the meantime, I will go buy a mint plant from a reputable company like How Does Your Garden Grow.

You suck,

Quan Bu Shi

Totally necessary disclaimer because some people just don't get it: This is satire. According to Google, this means the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize a person's or people's lack of... thought or vices, in the context of topical issues. But do support local companies like 'How Does Your Garden Grow'! Plants sold by local companies who deal with locally grown plants (rather than imported) are much more likely to be acclimatized to Singapore's weather and last longer to bring you more joy!