7 Things to NEVER Do for Christmas

In light of the ever-so-lovely and ever-so-festive Christmas, I bring to you…

1. Make spelling mistakes on your gift cards.

2. Jump on your parents’ bed in the morning, scratch your head and scream, “It’s snowing!”

3. Mix up your family’s gifts.

4. Give the equivalent of charcoal in a Christmas sock.

5. Dress inappropriately for the party.

6. Also, sing “Let It Burn” and set your kids on fire if they dress up as Elsa.

7. Take endless selfies at the dinner table.

The Day Santa Got Stuck (Essay)

It was a gloomy day of darkened windows and empty streets. Sleet rained white upon a small village, blotting out the stars in the sky. The constant patter of frosted rain and the clanging of metal could be heard all around. The cobbled pavements were blanketed by a thick layer of slush.

However, it was all broken by a single window flickering with a soft orange glow. A closer inspection would show a young girl, swathed in blankets and candle in hand, peering up the chimney eagerly. Just beside her sat a plate of cookies and a cup of milk. She sat completely still, her rapt posture only broken by the occasional shift. Then, a bright smile.

“Momma, I think Santa’s here,” the little girl whispered eagerly to her mother who was sitting in a rickety rocking chair nearby.

“I’m sure he is, sweetie,” her mother smiled, “But I’m afraid that it’s far past your bed time and we’re down to our last candle for tonight.”

Huffing, the little girl pouted and opened her mouth momentarily, looking as if she would protest. However, she merely slumped in disappointment and said, “Okay, momma.”

With that, the candle was blown out and both retired to bed.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Crunch.

There was a muffled sound of ice being crushed underfoot from the roof. Yet, no one stirred. Not the little girl nor her mother.

Just above the house, a portly man dressed in red stepped off his reindeer. Grunting and heaving, the man hefted a large sack off the lone reindeer. It made an annoyed sound and shifted. Patting its haunch, the portly man stroked his rather bushy moustache and chuckled, “Sorry, old girl. Sky-road taxes with the magical folk are on the rise and there’re now additional charges with us having to pass through the new Ethereal Riders Passage. You’re the only one left that I can afford to keep to do these gift deliveries.”

The reindeer merely snorted, turned its back to him and flopped onto the roof. Sighing, he reached into the sack beside him and fished out a million-paged assessment book. Shaking his head, and muttering about terrible modern day gifts and unreasonable expectations placed on children, he stepped towards the chimney.

Staring down the tiny chimney hole dubiously, the man looked at his giant gut and squeezed his rather large love handles. “Looks like good ol’ Santa Claus still needs to lose some more weight. The Insanity Challenge and Mike Chang YouTube channel weight-loss tips just aren’t cutting it.”

Santa Claus gave a grunt and put a foot into the chimney. He nearly let out a yelp as he lurched forward, the chimney giving way under his sheer weight. He wobbled precariously for a moment, clutching the assessment book with his stubby fingers, before he regained his balance. He scowled at the chimney he now rested his posterior upon, “They don’t quite make chimneys like they used to.”

Sucking his paunch in, he attempted to squeeze into the chimney. A few grunts, wheezes and a sickening crunch of bricks cracking later, Santa Claus gave a triumphant shout. His belly finally fit into the chimney.

It was a perfect fit.

A sickening realisation dawned upon him for he was truly stuck in the hole. Gritting his teeth, he gave a violent heave and slid down further. The sound of broken bricks raining onto the pavement below could be heard throughout the village. If one were to look out their window at this point of time, they would have seen the head of a man with a bushy white moustache looking extremely red in the face, and incredibly pained.

This was truly justified for Santa Claus, as the assessment book was now crushing certain sensitive parts in his nether regions. He was struck with a realisation on the irony that such a parallel, between his gonad-crushing pain and what modern day expectations on children was like, would be formed. That momentary thought was quickly swept away, however, when he heard the house’s young occupant lumbering within, much too close to the chimney he was now in unwilling union with. He tried to wiggle himself out, only to have his shoe fall down the chimney.

The little girl had awoken to the sound of bricks hitting the ground outside. Squinting her eyes, she wondered on what was going on. Perhaps, Santa was here! Now fully awake, she tip-toed around. Unfortunately, she didn’t notice the plate of cookies and stepped right into it. She pouted and resumed her journey towards the cold hearth.

There was a great sound coming from the chimney! Peeking up, the little girl was met with a giant red boot to the face. Shaking her head to clear the stars dancing in her vision, she looked up again. She barely dodged the foot that swung her way.

She grabbed the poker and prodded the foot. It twitched away. “Is that you, Santa?” the little girl shouted up the chimney.

She was met with stony silence.

“Are you stuck? Do you need me to pull you out?”

The foot stopped swinging out. There was a momentary pause before Santa replied with a meek, “Yes.”

Giggling, the girl tossed the poker aside and wrapped her little fingers around Santa’s ankle. With a great tug, she succeeded in pulling Santa down into the hearth. There was a great roar of bricks tumbling down the roof now. Coughing from all the ash that had risen from Santa’s landing, both him and little girl turned to look at the girl’s mother sleeping. All that noise had, miraculously, not woken her up.

Santa gave a sheepish smile and handed her the assessment book. “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!”

The little girl scrutinised Santa’s face sharply. “Are you really Santa? You don’t look like him. You’re fat but you’re missing the beard.”

Affronted by her brash statement, Santa considered stringing the little girl by her ankle to his reindeer and dragging her through the night sky. However, he merely tucked in his tummy and stroked his moustache, “Ho, ho! The ladies these days hate facial hair. I need to keep up with the times. “Movember” is over too.”

Giving a non-committal shrug and looking unconvinced, the little girl looked at the assessment book in her hands and scowled, “Who the heck gives assessment books as Christmas gifts to little children? Where’s my little pony?!”

“Well,” Santa smiled forcefully at the little girl and said, “There is no better thing in this world than a structured education. I must now go!”

Turning towards the now-ruined chimney, he paused and stuttered, “I-I think I’d better use the door this time instead.”

Swiftly unlocking the door, Santa ran out and shut the door with a slam.

“Sweetie, why’re you awake? Also, have you seen my shopping list? I think I might have mixed it up with your wishes for Santa.”

Written for Happy Tutors Learning Centre

This goes out to my poor students...

Hello, my fair students. Holidays abound, homework is few and you are halfway through. Now is both a time to truly settle into the break and wish that it was longer. It is also a period where some of you may, perhaps, be in the habit of making New Year Resolutions.

For the few of us, we can be proud to say that we have succeeded in accomplishing what we sought to do. For the rest, we would have probably failed to accomplish the cumulative resolutions from 5 years ago.

Fear not! I have compiled a list of...

1. Do it “just cuz everyone’s doing it”.

Ever heard of the term “peer pressure”?

Yeah, you probably don’t need to hear about it to know what it is. You’ve probably faced some level of it. For example, when you totally love One Direction and everyone is hating on them, and you’re forced to tell everyone else how much you hate them even when you don’t. It’s pretty messed up, I know.

Take that repressed love for One Direction and multiply it by, according to some obscure human population count, a thousand times. That would probably be the pressure you’d feel with regard to New Year Resolutions, if you’re even into that kind of thing.

Love it or hate it, the purpose of making resolutions is to make a positive change in your life. The prospect of having some form of power and control over your own life, which you DO have, is exciting but calm your tits. Don’t do it out of impulse.

Take a step back and think: Do I ACTUALLY need to make a positive change in something?

Don’t do it just because everyone says you should or because of that shiny disco ball at the party inspiring you.

2. Do it out of regret that you didn’t do your previous resolutions.

How many of us are still trying to clear our backlog of New Year Resolutions from five years ago? It probably goes along the lines of “I’ll clean my room more”, “I’ll exercise” or “I’ll study harder”. These are definitely good resolutions to make as a student. One can never say no to a cleaner, fitter and hardworking student.

However, how many of us make these non-committal resolutions, fail to accomplish them and regret them? Then, we make the exact same resolutions, give up halfway and repeat the following year.

It’s a real vicious cycle.

Look ahead. Not back. Yeah, you’ve failed in completing your resolutions this year. Now, take a look at what exactly caused you to fail in your resolutions and make a specific resolution to target that root issue.

3. Do it in a rush.

One major thing that causes us to inadvertently fail in our resolutions is that we tend to get over-excited at the prospect of making a change and settling for any resolution that sounds good.

Fast? Yes.

Effective? No.

Again, take a step back and figure out what exactly is important to you for the long haul. Next, figure out what can be achieved to bring yourself closer to that goal within the year. Then, think about what exactly you need to do to achieve your objectives.

Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

4. Make a gazillion resolutions.

Similar to point 3, most of us don’t just love settling for first few things we can think of. We Singaporeans love the best and we love collecting all the good things in the world. When it comes down to it, there sure are a whole lot of good things that we can resolve to achieve in the world.

We end up making many resolutions to achieve within the year itself.

Now, think about it. In each year, how many of these resolutions have you managed to ACTUALLY complete? Stick to one or a few that you can actually achieve. It’s better to make one and complete it successfully than to make a hundred and half-ass it all.

5. Make it out-of-the-world.

Cuz you’ll need to be able to fly out of the world to achieve it.

The reason why it’s called “out-of-the-world” is because it’s something that’s perceived to be near impossible or just plain impossible to achieve. Take time to study your strengths, weaknesses and character patterns. Take time to understand yourself and how you work.

From there, compare it all to your goals and how they could aid or impede your path towards your objective.

How are your strengths going to help you achieve your goal? What are your peak hours when it comes to a specific task or goal?

How are your weaknesses going to prevent you from achieving your goal? Are you, perhaps, a chronic procrastinator?

Consider it all and come up with a workable game plan. For example, all it sometimes takes is just a change in environment.

6. Make it miniscule.

Just because you shouldn’t have an out-of-the-world resolution doesn’t mean that you should go around making simplistic resolutions.

The point of one is to CHALLENGE yourself. Dare to dream big. Make a big, achievable plan. Break it down into bite-sized steps and spread it out over the year.

7. Make it all about me, myself and I.

Well, okay. Not really. You should be making goals to improve yourself but don’t set yourself up to fail. Keep yourself accountable to someone. It always helps to make someone you trust aware of your plans. Let him or her know of your game plan and talk it through. Get a second opinion and work out the kinks in the plan together. Get this person to hold you accountable to achieving your milestones.