Totally necessary disclaimer: This is 50% fact, 50% nonsense.
Plan out your outfits.
Ever had relatives you barely know comment on your waistline and call you fat out of the blue? Well, that’s right. It doesn’t matter whether you’re meeting strangers, acquaintances, friends or family. You absolutely need to look fabulous. Opt for outfits that compliment your body shape and size, and remember: ALWAYS remember to wear a colour that looks kind of auspicious.
Plan out your transport and route.
Have you ever tried flagging down a cab during the festive season? That’s a sure-fire way to practice your arm flapping stance while you try to flag down a cab for the next hour in Singapore’s summer heat. Hitch a ride with your relatives. Blackmail your friends and colleagues, over past favours, into giving you free rides. Book a cab a day in advance. Better yet, just take the MRT or bus. Also, to avoid a CNY rendition of the Amazing Race, plan your route in a single direction (e.g. East to West) or in a cyclical form (from home, around Singapore and back home). It will save you a ton of money in public transport and cab fares. Trust me.
Create an FAQ specially designed for relatives.
By the time you’ve reached the prime age of 12, you would’ve memorised a set of questions always asked by relatives to create remarkably brief and moderately polite questions. To avoid having to give the same repeated answers, you may opt to design and print out a few pamphlets – directly proportional to the number of relatives you have – filled with the answers to frequently asked questions.
Alternatively, hand them your personal biographical portfolio containing multiple charts and diagrams about your grades, jobs, salary, romantic relationships, height, weight and more.
For those who come from families with marketing and business backgrounds, you may opt for a more professional approach to this. An impressive portfolio containing your entire life history and credentials is bound to wow them. Don’t forget to include glitter and sparkles for the ensuing celebration of all your achievements. All of this will have them ooo-ing and aah-ing over your presentation materials and save you from excess human contact.
Don’t forget all those lovely Botox injections. Smile for the relatives!
They say that it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile. However, smiling still requires energy and there’s going to be a whole lot of obligatory smiling feel free to scarf down the whole array of new year treats, candies and bak kwa. Especially the bak kwa.
Wear a full protective suit to shield yourself from the impending rain of “lou hei” and “yu sheng”.
Ever had a “lou hei” session? It is believed that pieces of food falling onto the table and floor is good luck, much akin to luck and money raining from the sky. The messier, the better. This is not so if you have dressed nicely for the event or put in the extra hour for makeup, or having pieces of salmon stuck in your hair. Feel free to wear a Hazmat suit to protect your outfits from this tasty rain. A cheaper alternative would be a beekeeper’s suit.
Hire a one-day personal financial consultant to help you to save all the money you collect from the ang paos. Don’t forget those mandarin oranges!
For most of us, especially those with large extended families, we’ll probably be able to rack up hundreds of dollars in red packet earnings. Rather than spend all that money, it would be wise to break it all down into savings and spending money. It’s never too early to get into the habit of saving money, so put aside some of that cash. If you’re not too sure on how to do this budgeting, your best financial consultants are both easily accessible AND free: your parents. Oh, and don’t forget those mandarin oranges when you go visiting!
Get a gym membership and hire a personal trainer with all that ang pao moolah.
Whenever people ask me how much I get for Chinese New Year, all I say is 8888 calories. Very auspicious and all in good reason. With all the visiting and eating going on, few of us are going to have the time to actually exercise and keep fit. It would be good to prepare to get back into shape after all that feasting. As they always say, one of the steps to a healthy mind is a healthy body. And no, round is not a shape.
Written for Happy Tutors Learning Centre
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